The Wanderer

October 28, 2006 at 3:45 pm (Day to Day)

Regardless of my grades, I am dropping this semester and will start over in January. School is not my top priority, and even though things are alright at the moment, I have no motivation for class. This means I will have a lot of extra time on my hands. I’m thinking very soon, perhaps in a week or two, of buying a one way ticket to some Northeast city and making my way back on foot/hitchhiking. The only restriction of time would next semester. That would give me roughly two months. This is just an idea, probably a terrible one.

I talked to Tyler about it over lunch, and his first response/question was very appropriate, “Rob, what are you looking for?” I still haven’t found it, whatever it is. Maybe I’ll find it in the Northeast, maybe not. He made some amazing observations about me, some encouraging, some not. He said I am not having enough confidence in my own abilities as an individual person. Here’s some thoughts that are going on in my mind:

Since about this time last year, I was made aware of a very alien concept: loneliness. Ignorance is bliss, but now I am no longer ignorant. I desire deep, meaningful relationships with all sorts of people. It has been made known to me that I am incapable of offering the same. Therefore, what I want (what most others want as well), I cannot offer. This makes me stuck. I am not that introverted; I just don’t know how. I think I would make one of the best one month friends in the world. Beyond that, beyond getting to know me, there is nothing left. And it makes me sad thinking about it.  

Something else I am seriously considering is counseling. Perhaps somebody much more learned in peoples’ minds can tell me what is wrong with me and teach me what I should do.

Tyler also pointed out that I am incredibly drawn to ideas/concepts/”sciences” that I do not understand or have not the capacity to understand. He pointed to my interest in sociology. I am incredibly intrigued by very emotional people more so than less emotional people.  

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