Where did I put my heart? Oh well, not gonna use it

October 27, 2006 at 1:35 am (Day to Day)

Preface: this is only a rant at myself. There is no sarcasm.

Rom 7 “For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.”

Does this spill over into other areas of life?  Apparently I’m a cold-hearted bastard who keeps people at a distance. Do people think I enjoy this? I would like nothing more than to open up, but why can’t I? Is it a matter of words, of action, of personality? I have the desire but not the ability, making the desire nothing but a carrot on a string. I have tried so hard to let people in. I can recognize people who are warm and open-armed, but why can’t I imitate it? And even if I could imitate it, would it matter? Can I just not communicate openness? Are there too many question marks in this post?? My Myers-Briggs type is Introspective, Intuitive, Thinking, Perceiving (INTP). The T is a minority of the population. Live it up, F’s—what you think is an annoying habit to think more with your heart instead of your head is something I would trade in an instant. I hate the T more than just about anything else right now. Sure, I can cry every now and then, but that means nothing. That test has defined me in almost every way. I was arrogant in high school. I guess I’m always going to be arrogant. I tried so very hard to fix that, but it’s who I am I guess. The desire to change but no ability. Carrot on a string. I hate carrots.  

Let’s read what defines my life, shall we?

INTP Strengths


* They feel love and affection for those close to them which is almost childlike in its purity (this should be filed under weakness because of that very phrase)

    * Generally laid-back and easy-going, willing to defer to others

    * Approach things which interest them very enthusiastically

    * Richly imaginative and creative

    * Do not feel personally threatened by conflict or criticism

    * Usually are not demanding, with simple daily needs


INTP Weaknesses


* Not naturally in tune with others’ feelings; slow to respond to emotional needs (sucks to be me since  most people I know are much more emotional than I)

* Not naturally good at expressing their own feelings and emotions (sucks to be me since people see this as nothing more than me being closed and unwilling)

* Tend to be suspicious and distrusting of others (I am a bit cynical of others, but once I trust you, you are going to have to do something incredibly destructive to me in order to lose that trust)

    * Not usually good at practical matters, such as money management, unless their work involves these concerns

    * They have difficulty leaving bad relationships (not been in one)

    * Tend to “blow off” conflict situations by ignoring them, or else they “blow up” in heated anger   (bingo!)

And you know what? I know things intuitively; I just don’t know how to respond. It was such a weird occurrence the other day: somebody, whose name I did not know, walked into the coffee shop, and I instinctively knew what she had just been through. It wasn’t the tears from her eyes that gave it away. People cry for a number of different reasons. I suppose the most obvious answer would be she had just gone through boy trouble. Wrong. Completely, totally wrong, and I knew it; it was later confirmed. But I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t hug her, or engage in silly conversation to take her mind off of it. I just sat there, drank my coffee and wondered if she would be alright. I cared! I absolutely, one-hundred percent cared! But I didn’t know how to handle the situation. I had a little bit of ability to do something, but I didn’t. Intuition is wasted on me because I think things through; I reason to conclusions; I don’t feel my way to hardly any decisions. My intuition told me what was wrong with this girl, but my reason (Tness) told me I had no evidence for that feeling. Therefore I did not react.

Does anybody think I’m happy with who I am right now? One of the worst decisions I have ever made in my life was the one to go to ECU. I dislike this school and this town. Every semester I have thought about transferring. My family is too poor to pay for anywhere else. Maybe I should just suck it up and transfer to OU and enjoy debt. Check out this quote from February 25, 2005 (my freshman year):

“Tonight I opened up to Stephanie. Wow, what a change. Not only does it feel better to be more open, it’s something I am going to strive for.”  Wrong, 2005 Rob. You are stuck being cold no matter what your desires are.



1 Comment

  1. Varun said,

    Ya, I know what is it like. You know you know something, but can’t seem to act even though you want to. Either becuase you don’t know what to do, or you just want more proof that you are correct. Then when you realize you were right you feel dumb.

    As far as college goes, I feel like I went against my intuition in my decision to go to the school I go to (George Washington). When I visited after I gotin it I felt really strange because I had kept telling everyone it was my top choice and so I felt weird when I suddenly didn’t like it. But I got a scholarship and didn’t feel like changing my mind so I went. I like it now.

    Too bad our thinking side isn’t shown too much, and our weaknesses are obvious in terms of general clumsiness.

    OH well!

    (insert witty conclusion here)

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