Fabtabulous

October 29, 2006 at 3:43 pm (Day to Day)

So I feel better today. I started the day in a smelly mood (yes, smelliness can be a mood!) actually. You know what made me feel better? Facebook of all things did the trick for me. Not perusing through friends’ profiles; it was a will-you-be-my-friend message I sent. It wasn’t anything overly clever but it was to a person I’ve been running into over and over without saying anything but hello. Now to do my analyze every last detail thing.

This makes me realize (something I told Tyler yesterday) that I strive for relationships with people. In-depth (preferably with one or two people) or no-depth, I enjoy people. The problem is that I like them only to the point where I want alone time. That makes me appear either unfriendly and fickle or constantly moody  (with them).  I have a bad habit of leaving social situations very abruptly. I would like to stop this.

If I do get counseling, the focus would be why I distance myself from people and how I can alleviate it. I am a bit skeptical of certain kinds of counseling, but I think I can benefit from it.

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October 28, 2006 at 8:40 pm (Day to Day)

“Heaven Forbid” The Fray

Twenty years, it’s breaking you down
now that you understand there’s no one around
Take a breath, just take a seat
your falling apart and tearing at the seams

Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don’t know why
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you’ll be alright

It’s on your face, is it on your mind
would you care to build a house of your own
How much longer, how long can you wait
It’s like you wanted to go and give yourself away

Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don’t know why
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you’ll be alright
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don’t know why
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you’ll be alright

It feels good (Is that reason enough for you)
It feels good (Is that reason enough for you)
It feels good (Is that reason enough for you)
It feels good (Is that reason enough for you)

Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don’t know why
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you’ll be alright
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don’t know why
Hold on tight wait for tomorrow, you’ll be alright

Out of this one
I don’t know how to get you out of this one
I don’t know how to get you out of this one
I don’t know how to get you out of this one
I don’t know how to get you out of this one

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The Wanderer

October 28, 2006 at 3:45 pm (Day to Day)

Regardless of my grades, I am dropping this semester and will start over in January. School is not my top priority, and even though things are alright at the moment, I have no motivation for class. This means I will have a lot of extra time on my hands. I’m thinking very soon, perhaps in a week or two, of buying a one way ticket to some Northeast city and making my way back on foot/hitchhiking. The only restriction of time would next semester. That would give me roughly two months. This is just an idea, probably a terrible one.

I talked to Tyler about it over lunch, and his first response/question was very appropriate, “Rob, what are you looking for?” I still haven’t found it, whatever it is. Maybe I’ll find it in the Northeast, maybe not. He made some amazing observations about me, some encouraging, some not. He said I am not having enough confidence in my own abilities as an individual person. Here’s some thoughts that are going on in my mind:

Since about this time last year, I was made aware of a very alien concept: loneliness. Ignorance is bliss, but now I am no longer ignorant. I desire deep, meaningful relationships with all sorts of people. It has been made known to me that I am incapable of offering the same. Therefore, what I want (what most others want as well), I cannot offer. This makes me stuck. I am not that introverted; I just don’t know how. I think I would make one of the best one month friends in the world. Beyond that, beyond getting to know me, there is nothing left. And it makes me sad thinking about it.  

Something else I am seriously considering is counseling. Perhaps somebody much more learned in peoples’ minds can tell me what is wrong with me and teach me what I should do.

Tyler also pointed out that I am incredibly drawn to ideas/concepts/”sciences” that I do not understand or have not the capacity to understand. He pointed to my interest in sociology. I am incredibly intrigued by very emotional people more so than less emotional people.  

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What emotions don’t look like at Midnight

October 27, 2006 at 11:59 pm (Day to Day)

I saw my hospice “boss” at the coffee shop this morning. We had a good conversation about things. How do you ask questions about a place of business that profits off of suffering? Granted, they try to ease their suffering, but I couldn’t quite ask, “How’s business? Good I hope!” He asked me questions about the amount of free time I currently have. He told me they were down a volunteer and needed somebody. It was nice to be asked.

My cell phone is acting the fool here lately. The space button will sometimes delete my entire text message, making me so paranoid that I save it after every sentence. It take a lot longer to write or respond messages.

History fact: I was born prematurely with a hole in my lung and had to stay at the hospital for months. I was not expected to live but was miraculously healed with no medical explanation. I will attribute it to God.

Wikipedia called me gay:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Left_handed

“Studies indicate that left-handedness is more common in males than females, and more in homosexuals than in heterosexuals.”

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Where did I put my heart? Oh well, not gonna use it

October 27, 2006 at 1:35 am (Day to Day)

Preface: this is only a rant at myself. There is no sarcasm.

Rom 7 “For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.”

Does this spill over into other areas of life?  Apparently I’m a cold-hearted bastard who keeps people at a distance. Do people think I enjoy this? I would like nothing more than to open up, but why can’t I? Is it a matter of words, of action, of personality? I have the desire but not the ability, making the desire nothing but a carrot on a string. I have tried so hard to let people in. I can recognize people who are warm and open-armed, but why can’t I imitate it? And even if I could imitate it, would it matter? Can I just not communicate openness? Are there too many question marks in this post?? My Myers-Briggs type is Introspective, Intuitive, Thinking, Perceiving (INTP). The T is a minority of the population. Live it up, F’s—what you think is an annoying habit to think more with your heart instead of your head is something I would trade in an instant. I hate the T more than just about anything else right now. Sure, I can cry every now and then, but that means nothing. That test has defined me in almost every way. I was arrogant in high school. I guess I’m always going to be arrogant. I tried so very hard to fix that, but it’s who I am I guess. The desire to change but no ability. Carrot on a string. I hate carrots.  

Let’s read what defines my life, shall we?

INTP Strengths

 

* They feel love and affection for those close to them which is almost childlike in its purity (this should be filed under weakness because of that very phrase)

    * Generally laid-back and easy-going, willing to defer to others

    * Approach things which interest them very enthusiastically

    * Richly imaginative and creative

    * Do not feel personally threatened by conflict or criticism

    * Usually are not demanding, with simple daily needs

 

INTP Weaknesses

 

* Not naturally in tune with others’ feelings; slow to respond to emotional needs (sucks to be me since  most people I know are much more emotional than I)

* Not naturally good at expressing their own feelings and emotions (sucks to be me since people see this as nothing more than me being closed and unwilling)

* Tend to be suspicious and distrusting of others (I am a bit cynical of others, but once I trust you, you are going to have to do something incredibly destructive to me in order to lose that trust)

    * Not usually good at practical matters, such as money management, unless their work involves these concerns

    * They have difficulty leaving bad relationships (not been in one)

    * Tend to “blow off” conflict situations by ignoring them, or else they “blow up” in heated anger   (bingo!)

And you know what? I know things intuitively; I just don’t know how to respond. It was such a weird occurrence the other day: somebody, whose name I did not know, walked into the coffee shop, and I instinctively knew what she had just been through. It wasn’t the tears from her eyes that gave it away. People cry for a number of different reasons. I suppose the most obvious answer would be she had just gone through boy trouble. Wrong. Completely, totally wrong, and I knew it; it was later confirmed. But I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t hug her, or engage in silly conversation to take her mind off of it. I just sat there, drank my coffee and wondered if she would be alright. I cared! I absolutely, one-hundred percent cared! But I didn’t know how to handle the situation. I had a little bit of ability to do something, but I didn’t. Intuition is wasted on me because I think things through; I reason to conclusions; I don’t feel my way to hardly any decisions. My intuition told me what was wrong with this girl, but my reason (Tness) told me I had no evidence for that feeling. Therefore I did not react.

Does anybody think I’m happy with who I am right now? One of the worst decisions I have ever made in my life was the one to go to ECU. I dislike this school and this town. Every semester I have thought about transferring. My family is too poor to pay for anywhere else. Maybe I should just suck it up and transfer to OU and enjoy debt. Check out this quote from February 25, 2005 (my freshman year):

“Tonight I opened up to Stephanie. Wow, what a change. Not only does it feel better to be more open, it’s something I am going to strive for.”  Wrong, 2005 Rob. You are stuck being cold no matter what your desires are.

 

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A nonsensical stupid

October 26, 2006 at 7:43 pm (Day to Day)

It will be one year this weekend since I bought my $30 pair of Avia running shoes. They have been through some hundreds of miles—the same 2.8 mile course that has proved reliable and quiet. They haven’t exactly worn out in the sense of day-to-day wear, but their resilience for running has finally reached their dusk. It is actually many months past due for their retirement to either a clothes closet or Salvation Army. During the summer my feet started getting callused; not just callused, but even blisters and cuts started appearing. One way I tried to resolve this was to wear either thicker socks or multiple pairs of socks. This failed to cure my aching feet of feet terrorists. At one point there was a cut right where my second toe on my left foot met the foot, making it excruciating painful to walk and had me limping around like a man who had a battle wound from war. I had to take it easy on running for about a month for it to properly heal. Because I am not running every single day, my feet are still available to public showing without embarrassment, but the skin will get irritated in distinct locations after each run. As well as making my feet baby-butt soft, lotion helps lessen the soreness.

I went to the wellness center this evening to lift weights. It’s been since the summer since I touched a free weight. I only digressed in weight on a couple of exercises. I like the science of weight lifting—both the exercises and the what leads to muscle gain—but other than being able to lift heavier objects, I’m not sure there is much of a health benefit to it; in fact, it’s probably murder on the heart since it’s purely anaerobic and your heart rate goes from a resting state to upwards of 90% of your maximum heart rate so quickly. Doing some quick warm-up exercises can probably cure the “shock” on the heart, however. Regardless, I don’t enjoy weight lifting nearly as much as I do jogging, and without a partner I lack motivation, so it seems more of a chore. This means I can only doing for periods of time before getting burnt out.

I have a $103 fine at the university library. I simply forgot about having books checked out until I tried to check out new ones. If I return the books, I will only be subject to a $30 processing fee ($10/book).  Apparently the librarian can be bargained with for first time offenders. I will have to hope this is true when I speak to her tomorrow.

Attraction is something that is curious to me at the moment. Not so much physical, but everything else involved. I am trying to find some sort of study on the subject but am unable to locate one. Perhaps friend Alford has some suggestions and can guide me to a completed experiment. I am not so much wanting a book (if possible), just a thorough study. Obviously, human-to-human relations are something that interest me. Gender differences also fascinate me. I have read a lot of nature differences and also bought a used book on nurture as a more outstanding factor for behavior differences in gender, though I have yet to get around to reading it. If observing people was a major, I would get my PhD  in it and be the Albert Einstein of the field. I have a myriad of ideas for experiments and studies, but I lack organization to fully and successfully carry them out. I need somebody equally interested in the field as I but with superior organizational and administrative skills. I can do all the research in the world (something I actually enjoy) and come up with ideas, hypotheses, and conclusions—all while typing page after page—but I just lack something that should tell me to “go test it!”

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It’s just trash in the wind

October 25, 2006 at 9:56 pm (Day to Day)

The Christian forum I frequently visit (Christianguitar.org) has been down here recently. I have been exploring some others just for funzies. Christianforums.net is one in particular worth mentioning. I was once much more conservative than I am now (more so politically than theologically), but the community on this board absolutely blows my mind. Politics is often intertwined into a lot of the topics, and the majority of the member make me look like Hilary Clinton (minus the ovaries of course…). I have especially been enjoying the topic titled, “So You Still Think Democrats Are American?” It is also very hard to be a democrat and a Christian, apparently. A lot of very very conservative Christians on that board.

My first American colonial test has been pushed back until Friday. This has been a trend for the past two weeks. I would like to get it over with so I don’t have to keep restudying for it. It’s starting to be a lot to take in since I also have to keep up with the new material. I made an 87% on my world history test. The professor doesn’t hate me as much as I thought. I did a thorough job on my first book review so I am not that worried about the class. I enjoyed the first book required for the class and the others look equally as interesting, despite them being war-themed.

I definitely underestimated somebody I had not talked to in about a year. I was sitting in the halls of Horace Mann waiting to talk to a professor when she walked by to say a generic hello. This is the only kind of contact I have had with this person since about this time last year. We exchanged how-is-class-going’s and made our way to some real conversation. I didn’t give details, but she knew something was the matter. She told me we could hang out and talk sometime. I’ll take her up on the offer and grab coffee when things settle down. I won’t get into the intimate details of things simple because there is no real point, and I am still a little dazed that she, somebody who has a right to dislike me above almost anybody else, was very polite and sympathetic to me. I immediately added her on Facebook with a message thanking her for her kindness and admitting that her unconditional generosity was very dubious. She responded with a very positive and reinforcing message that can be summed up by, “let the past be the past.”

I strongly recommend American Beauty. I also strongly recommend Bonanza, but only in the presence of a grandma who thinks the lead man is the most wonderful thing on earth. The Prestige is also a great movie, despite some of the twists being a bit predictable. I do not, however, recommend Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning unless cliché hack and slash horror movies are your thing. You know what I mean—the suspenseful music that is supposed to lead to some action but actually doesn’t, and then the lack of suspenseful music and the sudden sound of “duhhhhhhn” that indicates a “scary” moment.

One last thing—no matter what you think of what I’m saying, remember this one thing: there is no sex, in the Champagne Room.

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Quotes from and about U2

October 19, 2006 at 11:20 am (Day to Day)

Brought to you by Steve Stockman’s Walk On

“Many have been so obsessed with the cigar hanging out of Bono’s mouth that they are missing the radical biblical agenda that has fired his life and work.” –Steve Stockman

“U2 was not the result of such a healthy music scene. It was the cause of it.” –Steve Stockman

“One other thing you should know…we’re all Christians.” –Bono

“For many years the band members said that their faith—not their rock n roll lifestyle—was the real rebellion.” –Steve Stockman

“The central faith and spirit of the band is the same. But I have less and less time for legalism now. I just see that you live a life of faith.” –The Edge

“I want it all, and I want it now. Heaven on earth—now—let’s have a bit of that” –Bono

“To me, faith in Jesus Christ that is not aligned to social justice—that is not aligned with the poor—it’s nothing.” –Bono

“I go to America and turn on my television set, and I start sweating profusely because those guys have turned faith into an industry. It’s appalling.” –Bono

“Religion has torn this country apart. I have no time for it, and I never felt a part of it. I am a Christian, but at times I feel very removed from Christianity.” –Bono

“At one time, I thought you had to have all the answers if you were going to write a song, so it was embarrassing to make a record that was filled with doubts and questions.” –Bono

“Dream up the kind of world you want to live in. Dream out loud at high volune. That’s what we do for a living.” –Bono

“All I have is a red guitar, three chords, and the truth.” –Bono

“There are a lot of people a bit puzzled, to be honest, about what we are up do and what we are trying to do.” –The Edge

“The was the theme of the whole shebang—to expose modern culture and let people see the shallow nonsense that it was.” –Steve Stockman

“I went looking for spirit and found alcohol; I went looking for soul, and I bought some style; I wanted to meet God, but they sold me religion.” –Bono

“U2’s postmodern worldview allows mystery and confusion to sit alongside faith.” –Steve Stockman

“It’s lukewarm believers that drive me out of the church.” –Bono

“Once again, U2 did the emotional—not for show, but for ministry.” –Steve Stockman

“U2 may have often had their heads in the sky, but their feet were always very much in the mud.” –Steve Stockman.

“The revolution in happening in your house, in your purse, in  your wallet…shopping is politics.” –Ali Hewson (Bono’s wife)

“We have the cash, we have the drugs, we have the science—but do you have the will to make poverty history?” –Bono

I’m not often so comfortable in church. It feels pious and so unlike the Christ that I read about in the scriptures.” –Bono

“U2 has been a good example of people living lives in the reality of the gospel” –Dan Haseltine

“Possessions are a way of turning money into problems. I don’t have anything that I’d miss if it got stolen.” –The Edge

“In U2’s music you hear the spirituality as home and as quest. I believe this is a big part of what’s kept their band together all these years.” –Bruce Springsteen

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God’s phone number

October 16, 2006 at 5:02 pm (Day to Day)

 

Jeremiah 33:3
Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.

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Java haze

October 10, 2006 at 12:09 pm (Day to Day)

Here’s a post from last Tuesday that I just remembered I had. The internet wasn’t working at the time.

I started the beginning of a book this morning at about 9:15. The first chapter was so grabbing that it was worth skipping class to read a couple of chapters. The new coffee shop, Java Dave’s, advertised free coffee through October 4, and I decided to take advantage of what would otherwise cost about a buck fity. I took my book, MP3 player, and body to the coffee shop. The offer had actually expired yesterday. I had no plans of spending $1.90 on a grande cup of coffee, but the employee (a former Cake Box employee as a matter of fact) explained to me that if I get it for there, I get to drink it out of a snazzy coffee mug with unlimited refills. I sat down for the long haul. I fired up my music and started reading through cup after cup of coffee.

By about cup number four, my brain started throwing a party; I was getting incredibly lightheaded and a little bit “buzzed” from what I conjecture was the caffeine. Conventional wisdom told me to stop right there and leave. Conventional wisdom has nothing on me, and I wanted to see exactly what would happen if I continued drinking large mugs full of coffee. It was just before Noon, and I was starving. I finished mug number nine and decided to head to the BSU for lunch. I stood up to a spinning world. My body was overly-relaxed, and I could feel my heart beat (heart palpitations). My curiosity was quenched but at the risk of my short-term health. I drove to campus with delayed reaction time and made it over the BSU just before Noon thirty. There were some strange casseroles. People will combine the most nonsensical foods together to create casseroles. I’m talking something along the lines of sushi and cheesecake casserole. Perhaps not, but that’s what it seemed like. I finished eating with my caffeine overdose symptoms only worsening. I stood up and verbally announced, “I have to go vomit!” I ran to the bathroom and outputted what seemed like three gallons of coffee, my breakfast from the morning, and my just-ingested casserole. After ten minutes, I left my previous four hours in the toilet and came over the UCM to relax and watch Food Network.

I’m just now coming off of my caffeine high and am feeling a little exhausted, despite a wonderful sleep last night.

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